The disorder can manifest in many forms, including:

• Fundamentalists who want you to live like them
• Scientists who can't see beyond their noses, where they have the words tattooed; peer-reviewed, double blind, randomized study.
• Lawn police, who tell you how long your grass should be, and that you can't grow weeds or wildflowers.
• Neighborhood fascists who tell you what color to paint your house.
• Culture nazis who try to tell you what art you like and which is appropriate.
• Teachers and administrators who force kids who don't sit like zombies to be on Ritalin.
• Dress code sphincter police.
• Neat nuts who clean ashtrays with each flick of the ash (I don't smoke, but they are out there.)
• Diagnosis polluters who label and diagnose just about everything and everyone.

The idea of a sphincter police disorder diagnosis is a JOKE! But the truth that there are plenty of these people out there will be proven if this website leads to wider use of the term Sphincter police. At the time I registered the domain name, there were about 5 or six Web sites found by google and altavista that even mentioned the term. By the time I created this website, there were about 10 or 12, though these included several links to listserves where I've mentioned the concept, usually in referring to reductionist scientists who can't see the forest for the trees.

Now, you may think these people are assholes, but actually, to be precise, it would be better to call them tight-asses, since, it is better if the diagnostic category of asshole should be left available to those who are really the opposite of sphincter police-- flaming assholes. Of course, it may be possible to be afflicted by both.

This website is for those of us who are tired of  the sphincter police, tired of being told how to live, see, think, believe, work, dress, pray, etc. One goal of the website is to establish the concept of the sphincter police, so, when someone is told,

"Yo, what are you, a member of the sphincter police?" (hey, I was born in Philly, like Rocky!)

Or,  "Back, off. You're acting like a sphincter cop!"

Then the person will know what you are talking about.

I hope that we will receive essays, anecdotes, examples of and about sphincter police, and how they were handled. And we'd love to add appropriate links, both serious and irreverent. This is NOT intended to be a site just for adults. No porno, no language any worse than ass and shit will be tolerated.

About Sphincters:

Sphincters are round muscles that shut or open things, like - eyes, mouth, anus, bladder.

Encyclopedia Britannica.com describes a sphincter as  "any of the ringlike muscles surrounding and able to contract or close a bodily passage or opening."

Dr. George Von Hilsheimer supplied this definiton from Blakiston Medical Dictionary:

"A muscle surrounding and closing an orifice."

Next, the fun part-- sphincter metaphors. Stop reading here if you are uncomfortable with gutter language. Because I am exploring the phrases which have developed in our language related to sphincters, such as:

• for the rectum: asshole, tight assed, full of shit,
• for the bladder: pissed off
• for the eyes: short sighted, narrow vision,
• for the mouth: stiff upper lip, closed mouthed, puckered
• for the stomach: spewing, stuffed shirt,
• for the diaphragm: full of hot air

To be fair, I am looking at this issue through the visual sphincters of a liberal. I'd also be interested in the way a conservative would see it through his or her more disciplined, and tightly controlled sphincters. For example, someone with less control might be considered half assed.

Here are some more words used to describe people who tend to be sphincter police:

A quotation which could be the Sphincter police motto:

Wheresoever thou findest Disorder, there is thy eternal enemy; attack him swiftly, subdue him; make Order of him, subject not of Chaos, but of intelligence, Divinity and Thee. The thistle that grows in thy path, dig it out, that a blade of useful grass, a drop of nourishing milk, may grow there instead.      Thomas Carlyle, Past and Present 1848

There will always be people who splash cold water on the embers of hope, who try to dash out the last sparks of burning aliveness hope gifts us. There will always be people who see parts and pieces, numbers and data, only seeing the hole, when they think they are seeing the whole picture. They can blot a vision, thrash a dream and crash hopes-- but only if you let them.

Rob Kall

any more quotation suggestions? We'll be adding a quotations section soon.

Let Loose! /Contact

Please, please feel free to just let loose with a comment, an anecdote, brief paragraph, long story, essay or a question. Almost anything. We want this site to be built by loads of people. Please state in your message if you give permission for it to placed on the web site, and whether you want your e-mail address included with it.

write to: Rob Kall  contact(at)sphincterpolice.com       replace (at) with the @sign